Thoughts of a Sleepless man Part 2 - "Why I am a horrible fireman"

I’m a horrible fireman.  I am.  I am a horrible fireman.  Now, I do not mean that in a tactical sense.  I do not mean that I am not good at my job, because I think I am.  No, I mean I am a horrible fireman because I do not eat, sleep, and breathe the fire service. 

I do not hang out in fire service chat rooms and forums.  I do not subscribe to FIREHOUSE Magazine, nor do I read every single article that is written about the fire service.  I do not look up every single fire related video on YouTube. 

I do not think of 9-11 as a firefighter day.  I do not have all 343 names of the firefighters that were killed that fateful day memorized.  I think it is absolutely tragic that those guys died while doing what they loved, and that is helping people; but I do not elevate those guys over the some 2,000 other people that were killed in those towers.  September 11, 2001 is a day that forever changed this great nation of ours, and it changed the fire service; but in no way, shape, or form is it a day that is all about the 343.

I do not keep my class-A uniform at the ready to attend every single firefighter funeral that is within a 100 mile radius.  In fact, I have only worn my class-A uniform, and that was for department pictures.  I have only been to one firefighter’s funeral, and that was my first fire chief when I was brand new.  It’s not that I don’t mourn the death of firefighters, or feel sympathy for them and their families/crews.  I just don’t like funerals.  I don’t like them for anyone.  I would rather never go to another funeral again, not out of fear of death or dying, either.  I just do not like funerals.

I don’t mean to sound cold-hearted, hateful, or even judgmental towards those guys and gals that do all of the stuff I mentioned.  I’m really not any of those things.  I say all that to point out that I am a different kind of fireman.  However, the death of the two firefighters in Boston yesterday (March 26, 2014) really hit me.  I cannot explain why it impacted me the way it did, it just did.  It truly broke my heart to hear it.

Maybe it is because for the first time, I heard the radio traffic of the scene the same day of the incident.  And to hear that scenario play out with my own ears really struck a nerve in me.  Without going into the details of it, out of respect of you non-firefighting people, it really messed me up to hear that transpire.  I thought about those guys.  I thought about incident command.  I thought about the dispatcher that was communicating with them on the radio.  I thought about the driver and other crew members of their engine company.  I thought about their brothers that were on scene, at the other stations, and on the other shifts.  I thought about their families.  One of the guys had a wife and 3 kids under the age of 10.  I thought about all of that stuff, and it really affected me.

On a small level, I thought about my past experiences.  I have been in a house that was burning and I ran out of water.  I couldn't see anything but the faint glow of fire in the next room, but I still knew exactly where I was.  I had plenty of air, knew how to get out if the situation called for it, and the heat was not unbearable.  Nevertheless, I had a brief moment of anxiousness there.  It seemed liked an extremely long time to be in a burning house without water, but I was assured that it was only a few minutes.  After calling on the radio for water, what seemed like a dozen times, I felt the hose fill back up and we proceeded to fight fire.  We got the fire knocked down and then exited to building to rest in the 110 degree heat.  The fire ended up spreading through a crawl space that we did not know about, and we burned the roof off of that house, but nobody got hurt. 

I was also in a situation that I can honestly say that I could have died in my rookie year.   It was a training fire, of all things, but it took a dangerous turn.  We were burning in a house that was scheduled to be torn down, we could do that kind of thing back then, and I was caught in a situation that I actually lost my bearings.  I got separated from my partner in a large room and could not find my way out.  The heat pushed me down onto the ground, and it got to the point where when I tried to crawl, the hot bunker gear was very hot against my skin.  It caused me to pause a few seconds.  I remember briefly opening my eyes as I was flat on my belly and seeing nothing but glow.  It seemed that everything around me was on fire, and I knew that it was not long before my gear was on fire.  I remember thinking two things:  one was I wanted to dig a hole through that tile floor, concrete, and earth to escape the heat; the other was I thought I was actually going to die right there on that floor.  I had a pregnant wife at home, and thought I may not see her again.  In a desperate attempt to feel the door, I stuck out my arm and found the jamb.  I dove out of the door and exited the building extremely fast.  After crews drowned that house with water, I went in and saw that square inch from floor to ceiling was charred.  I ruined my gear that day, but I made it out unscathed.

I don’t tell those stories to sound cool, or macho; only to say that I can relate on a very tiny scale.  Those stories pale in comparison to what those guys went through today.  Me trying to elevate my experience to their level would be like a kid racing his hot wheels and thinking he was Mario Andretti.  My time and experience does not hold a candle to those guys, or any firefighter from places like New York, Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Fort Worth, or even Arlington.  I have only caught a small glimpse of what those guys have done.

I can only begin to think what it must have been like to be trapped in a burning basement, with no water, not knowing where you are exactly, and not knowing how to get out.  I cannot imagine the terror those guys had to be experiencing.  You could hear it in their voice on the radio, but even that doesn’t really say what they were thinking or feeling.

I cannot say why this tragedy got to me the way it did.  I can only pray for those guys and their families, friends, and coworkers.  I can also pray for God to protect me, and everyone I know from ever having to go through that.  But, should I, or someone I know, go through something like this in some way; I pray that God will help me to count it as joy.  I recently heard a message on James chapter 1 verse 2-4.  In the book of James, Jesus’ little brother urged fellow believers “when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

In Paul’s letter to the Romans, in chapter 5 he writes, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment.  For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.”

That has to be our prayer as Christ followers.  That when tragedy strikes, and we experience hard times, as great as they may be, that we will count it as joy.  That we make it through those trials with endurance, or steadfastness, and that develops good character in us.  And that that character will give us stronger hope.  When we can find joy in the true hardships of life like Paul talks about in Colossians, then we are showing what it means to be a true disciple of Christ.

I leave you with this, Jesus said in John 15:13 that, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”  So let us thank God for the love and sacrifice these two brave men made today.  Let us also pray for their family, friends, and coworkers.  Finally, let us pray that God will fill all of us with joy, hope, and peace that only comes from Him.

Will you pray with me?

Father God, I lift up these two men to you.  I pray that they are resting in the palms of your hands right now.  I also lift up their loved ones, their friends, and their coworkers.  Please surround them with your Holy Presence, and let them feel your love.  Give them a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Help them, Father, to be able to count this tragedy as joy for your sake.  Help them through this grieving process, and let them never forget how brave these guys were.  I pray, Lord, that you will be glorified through this.  I pray that people will give their lives to you, and put their trust in you.  Help every single one of us to be like Jesus when we are faced with tragedy.  Even though we may be hurting, and scared, and sad; let us count it all as joy.  Thank you for your love Father, thank you for your joy, thank you for your peace.  Let us always honor and glorify you.  In Jesus’ precious name we pray.  Amen.

Have a blessed day and week.  Please keep everyone affected by this event in your thoughts and prayers.  Take care.